Finally..three months later..

So I have just spent some time reading blogs and such, after a long day of moving all my junk from the tiny dorm room, to the tiny car, to the tiny room in my tiny house. How can we accumulate so much stuff? HOW?! Where does it come from? And what do we do with it? I must admit that I am rather frustrated with myself for all the stuff I own. And I have no idea what to do with it all. I wish I could snap my fingers and it would be gone. I have this battle in my mind..the Lord said to sell your posessions and give the money to the poor. Yet there are people who are rich in the Bible, followers of Christ. And I see many God-fearing people today around me with just as much stuff as I have. I don't think they're wrong for having possessions. And I tell myself that for me, it's what it means to be American, to buy more and more stuff and never be content. Is this a bad thing? I don't know. I really don't. Perhaps if I spent more time in the Word seeking to truly understand what the Lord really says about it, I would be better off. I just don't know.

Anyway, the real reason I decided to blog at this time, like ten million years after I created this whole thing and wrote my first post (I am so not a faithful blogger, obviously). Hmm..where to start? I guess I could tell where I am spiritually, which is the only thing I really care to tell. This semester of school has been rediculously crazy. I have changed my major twice, and I have finished the semester as Undecided. (ha!) Since Spring Break, I have battled with whether I believe in God. Crazy huh? Nope, everyone does it. I have struggled with why I should believe in the One True God when there are countless people out there who do not. (This is such a weak argument, but I am only showing how foolish and weak I have allowed Satan to tell me that I am, rather than claiming the royalty that I am (1Peter 2:9) and the power of our God (Ephesians 1) ). For the possible sake of someone someday who may read this, I will be open and honest about it.

I suppose it all started with a conversation with someone who refused to believe in God. Well, not necessarily to believe IN Him, but the refusal to realize the need for a Savior and to trust Him as such. Anyway, because of this and because of the confusion of trying to learn the history of the world in a secular classroom (and the beginnings of world religions), and just simply because of my foolishness and weakness, I fell deep into confusion and seeming despair. I forgot the power of my God. I began to struggle with why I believe what I believe. I asked questions like is there really a God? Why should I believe this? and if I don't believe this, how can I still pray to Him? Do I believe this Bible is really His Word? And why? Why would I believe that? Because if you think about it, it is really pretty rediculous that the God of the Universe would come and die for me. I questioned why I should take a book (the Bible of course) and commit my life to living totally by it, when there are many other religions with many other books and many followers who follow those books religiously. (And I remember the prayer I passionately and desperately, wholeheartedly prayed on my trip home for Spring Break, the beginning of the craziness.."I want to KNOW Christ and the POWER of His resurrection, the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming LIKE HIM in His death, and so somehow to attain to the resurrection from the dead"--Philippians 3:10-11..I suppose Satan didn't like this prayer.)

But through all these questions the Lord sustained me. Because of His grace (I clung to 2 Corinthians 12), and by His great mercy, I still went to Him. Daily. The Lord graciously led me many years ago to develop a habit of spending time in His Word in the mornings (praise Him for that!), and I could never let that go. Though many many many times this semester I spent this time questioning Him and battling how I could really read this and believe it as Truth if I wasn't totally convinced, but I can say that His grace truly is sufficient. The more the questions came and the more Satan pounded my anxious mind (he knows my weakness), the harder I clung to the Word. Again, the Lord was faithful to recall many passages I have never purposefully committed to memory. But it wasn't a pleasant time. Though Scripture came to my mind, I struggled all the harder to truly believe it. But the Lord put many friends in my path who encouraged me. They really will never know how much of a blessing they are. But oh, how unpleasant it has been! I daily longed for the next day to be better, for something to just amazingly become clearer, that tomorrow my quiet time really will be better, and I will feel like me again, resting in the arms of the Creator I know I believe in. I greatly missed the times when I would miss sleep just to be with the Lord, just because I could tell He was trying to tell me something through His Word and I didn't want to miss it. I missed the times I could sit for hours, digging through the Word, making notes and praising Him for showing me new things. I constantly longed to be back in that place, to be back on my face before Him. But why was I not on my face all the harder? I let the enemy win. And as school became harder and busier, with finals nearing the corner, I was convinced I could not please the Lord if I didn't spend time studying for my classes, putting my best foot forward. (Ha, as if I did anyway.) A good idea, I suppose, but not if it takes the place of my time with the Lord.

Anyway, to make the story even longer, I have spent some time today reading through other people's blogs, and then I read my last post and cried as I did. I miss so very much the night I wrote that. I spent several hours on my face before God in my friend's dorm room, reading Scripture, praying, praising, singing. I have gotten so caught up in so many things..busyness, insecurities, wanting other people's gifts, longing to be who and where I am not..that I have completely failed to submit myself to the Lord. I have found myself many times lately wondering why it seems like those who do not follow the Lord are just fine, or possibly better off than me. It seems like they have no worries, like life is always fun for them, though they never turn to the Lord. And I have just described Psalm 73. Living proof that the Word of the Lord is living and active. Not coincidentally, I have anxiously quoted verses 25-26 and 28 to the Lord, not thinking of the chapter in which they are contained. To continue my previous thought, verse 13 says, "Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.." then verses 16-17, "When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny." Wow. "But as for me, it is good to be near God." My current prayer? Lord, bring me to my knees. Forgive my foolishness, and restore to me the joy of Your salvation. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love! Here's my heart, Lord take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above. God, have mercy. Bring me to the cross.